swear to god this is what's real
by Briwookie
Summary: Kyle clutched the arm of his backpack, walking towards the bench. He attempted to say whatever came to his mind first, but he couldn't even think logically, for his friend sat with his hands in his lap, gazing at the horizon with a sense of loneliness that he hadn't seen in him for the longest time. "Are you feeling okay?" (Oneshot) (Complete)


Kyle shuddered as he walked outside, feeling the Colorado breeze nip his skin. The day was practically over, and Stan had wanted to walk with Kyle back to his house so they could play games together. He felt as though it would only be right, considering the intensity of the last few weeks, with skankhunt42 and the raging war between girls and boys that had finally quenched. Kyle agreed with him, if it wasn't for the fact that there was a piece of him that still felt the need to collect himself, knowing more about his father than he had ever wanted to know.

"I figured Kenny could come over too, since he said he wasn't busy." Stan commented, and Kyle nodded. He kept his gaze on the ground, looking at the snow as if it was something out of the ordinary. He had tried to accept everything that happened as though it _was_ ordinary, considering that this was the mountain town he knew and loved, but when somebody as your own father was behind the scenes the entire time, was it really something you could let pass in a few days' time? The redhead assumed that if he just stopped thinking about it, maybe it would feel a little easier, but that was proving to be one of the worst assumptions he could ever come up with.

"Dude, look. Cartman's sitting over there by himself."

 _Cartman_. The word almost seemed foreign, and Kyle glanced over towards a bench that was near the entrance of their school to find that Cartman really was sitting alone. He hadn't seen much of the boy since they were through with the ordeal, and he had heard that Heidi broke up with him, but he wasn't sure. He couldn't even bring himself to imagine being in Cartman's shoes. The last few days were probably just as hard for him, considering all he went through with the boys just to figure out who skankhunt really was. Kyle almost felt thankful for all that Cartman had done.

No, Kyle realized he did feel thankful, but he felt bitter to admit it to himself that Cartman of all people could actually do something for the good of the world.

"I'm going to find Kenny really quick," Stan said, and Kyle simply looked as his friend headed back into the school. He did this on purpose, Kyle felt, but he wasn't going to worry about that now.

Kyle clutched the arm of his backpack, walking towards the bench. Cartman looked practically dead. His blue eyes were pressed onto the mountain view, and Kyle noticed those black bags hanging underneath them. The idea of Cartman not being able to sleep resonated with him, for he was just as tired, the long nights not showing any mercy to him or his family.

He attempted to say whatever came to his mind first, but he couldn't even think logically. There was a swarm of thoughts in his head, but none of them seemed right.

"Are you feeling okay?"

It was better than nothing. Cartman glanced out of the corner of his eye, barely moving his face. It really did look like the boy needed to get some rest, and for a split second Kyle considered mentioning this, but instead he sat down on the opposite end of the bench and put his backpack on the ground. Cartman didn't say anything in response, fighting to keep eye contact.

"I'm fine."

Kyle knew that whatever Cartman was going to say was probably bullshit, and this took the cake, but he attempted to smile and press the conversation.

"I know that it's been hard the last few days. We've all been struggling, even Butter hasn't been at school all week." Kyle chuckled, trying to elicit a spark in his friend's eyes, _anything_. There was nothing but a cold fierceness that Kyle hadn't seen in him for a long time, one of which actually frightened him. It didn't really scare him for just the look itself, but for the person that carried it. Cartman often didn't recollect on the things that he had done, or hold any form of moral compass, but the consideration that the boy felt sorry for anything was too strange for Kyle to conceive. This just wasn't him, and it wasn't the person who Kyle had known all of these years.

"Mm." Cartman muttered, finding a fascination with the zipper of his jacket.

The awkwardness made Kyle want to just give up and run away, but he knew nothing would change if he were to act as he had in the past. This wasn't a time to pretend like things could remain as they were.

"Are you actually going to tell me what's going on?" Kyle said, feeling some form of hope as Cartman scoffed and looked towards him.

"Why should I have to tell you anything?"

 _Because I'm genuinely worried, asshole_. Kyle wanted to say, but he bit his lower lip in an attempt to keep his cool. Cartman's blue eyes flashed a sense of bafflement, seeing Kyle distort his face like he was trying to solve this puzzle of emotion. It was new for the both of them, opening up to one another the way they were. Kyle hardly ever imagined honest with Cartman, because why would you be truthful with someone who would either smite you for your feelings, or tell anybody else that they knew how pathetic you were for revealing yourself so intimately.

Kyle sighed. "I just felt as though it might be easier for you to talk about it."

"Well, have you ever considered that maybe I don't want to talk about it?" Cartman questioned, and Kyle could feel like Cartman was about to walk and leave. In any other situation, he would let him go, but he didn't want this to be the final word. He couldn't imagine Cartman feeling this way about him for the rest of his life.

"Wait, please. I won't do anything. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." Kyle said, and Cartman raised an eyebrow. This really _was_ something new, apologizing to someone who seemed like that they hated you all of their life.

Cartman didn't leave, and he remained just as he was for a good couple of minutes, as the other kids found their way on the bus or with their parents. Kyle glanced towards the school to see if Stan came out yet, but he didn't see his friends anywhere.

"You should come with us to play games, Cartman." Kyle mentioned, smiling softly. "Stan got this new shooting game and it actually looks pretty good."

"I can't." Cartman muttered, so low Kyle could barely hear him.

"Oh, are you waiting for Heidi?" Kyle asked, and he regretted asking that almost as soon as the words fell about of his mouth. Cartman glanced towards him.

"We broke up yesterday."

Shit. Kyle figured the rumors were true, but considering how they both looked so in love with one another, he found it hard to comprehend why. Heidi was a good match for him, which felt weird to think because the idea of Cartman being romantically involved with anyone was a bit of a stretch. Regardless, Kyle actually thought the two of them would have been long-term.

"Sorry," Kyle said, and Cartman just shook his head, almost humored.

"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything."

"I _know_ , but…" Kyle trailed off, not sure of what to say. "I just know that it must hurt a lot."

Cartman didn't say anything at first, looking back at the horizon, but he shifted himself on the bench, like he was prepping himself for a tangent of sorts.

"She didn't feel right about everything that happened. I don't blame her. She said she couldn't be with me at the time because it didn't feel right and she needed to digest everything." Cartman breathed slowly, in a sense of emotional constipation that made sense to Kyle because Cartman never shared his feelings openly.

 _So why was he sharing this with me?_

"I think all of us need to do that," Kyle commented, and Cartman snickered, looking back at him.

"You do, you mean." He replied, and Kyle sighed, leaning back against the bench and trying not to get emotional.

"When my mom figured out that he was the troll, the look on her face killed me. None of us could even imagine my dad being the culprit, but even now I feel like it hasn't processed yet. I still imagine myself coming home and him being there in the living room, greeting me, asking me how my day was, and now he's not even there anymore." Kyle clenched his firsts but refused to cry. He had already done enough of that, and besides, if Cartman say he probably wouldn't live it down.

"Honestly, the idea of your dad being the troll was something I wasn't expecting." Cartman grinned. "He isn't exactly the most intimidating dude."

Kyle almost wanted to laugh at the fact Cartman was starting to act more like his regular self, even though normally he'd want to punch the lights out of the boy for saying something so rude.

"Yeah, he really isn't the type." Kyle smiled, thinking about his father, wanting to see him. It was going to a long time before anything felt remotely normal again.

There was a brief silence between the two of them, but it didn't feel weird like it did before. It felt comfortable, like Kyle had just lifted something off of his shoulders that he was carrying for a long time, and maybe this was. Maybe Cartman was just the right person who could let him feel like himself again.

"I will say something though," Cartman continued, and Kyle glanced towards him. "When I was with Heidi, it felt like there was somebody out there actually cared about me, that wanted me to do things with my life rather than hate everyone or question myself. She made me feel like even I could be somebody else."

Kyle wanted to tell him that there _were_ people that cared about him, but he knew if he mentioned it, Cartman would instantly deny it, or he'd get pissed because Kyle was trying to _pity_ him, or whatever.

"And maybe I still can be somebody else. Maybe I can try to be a different person."

 _But why would you want to be somebody else?_ Kyle thought to himself, not fathoming the idea of a new Cartman. He liked Cartman the way he was, even though he was pissed at how rude he could be sometimes, and even when the boy picks on him for his religion, or general appearance, or whatever. The point was, he didn't want Cartman to change.

But he understood that if it was something Cartman really wanted to do, he wasn't going to stop him.

"You have time, Cartman." He whispered, looking at his friend and meeting his gaze. "If you really wanted to, you can change, but..."

Cartman blinked at him, and Kyle took a deep breath, not even sure what to say himself.

"The idea of you being somebody different than _you_ scares me."

There was a look on Cartman's face that screamed confusion, and maybe Kyle was supposed to be confused too, but he couldn't find that within himself. He couldn't bring himself to question why he was saying these things, why he was content with the person Cartman was.

"I thought you hated me?" Cartman chuckled, and Kyle grinned.

"I could say the same about you."

"I do hate you." Cartman replied. "But not as much as I did."

Kyle found himself grinning in spite of everything that had happened, and he noticed as Cartman smiled at him in the same way. He felt his heart beat a little faster, but he didn't pay much mind to it.

"Kyle! Are you ready to go?" Stan called out, Kenny right behind him as they made their way out of the school. Kyle felt like he didn't get to say all he wanted to say, but he pushed himself off of the bench and glanced at his friend.

"You sure you don't wanna come? We could do a double match, or something."

"I actually can't, I have a stupid ass dentist appointment I couldn't miss even if I wanted to." Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you around then." Kyle waved, and started to walk away before turning back and smiling.

"Oh, Cartman."

"What?" Cartman raised an eyebrow and Kyle chuckled.

"About Heidi, you say that you feel as though she was the only person who cared about you. Well, I wouldn't think about that opinion so strongly if I were you. Maybe the person who cares the most about you has been someone in front of you this entire time, and just…waiting for you to realize it."

Cartman didn't do anything at first, trying to comprehend what Kyle just said but finding himself too flustered when it finally clicked. He rolled his eyes and watched as Liane pulled in by the school.

"Whatever, Jew."

"Fatass." Kyle replied, feeling good for having the upper hand.

Or maybe it was Cartman who had the upper hand…who had it for all of these years.


End file.
